Chaos Love: love, life, design and more.

On the night before I leave Australia, my family and my friends for Portland and my wonderful Christine, I think it's time to reflect a bit...

Just on two and a half years ago, I was a broken man. My world had been turned upside down, all that I knew had been destroyed by what I can only describe as an utter betrayal by the person I trusted most in the whole world. And I didn't react very well at the time. Looking back now, I really think I was in a state of shock for the first six months - I simply couldn't believe this had happened to me. I did some weird things like shaving all my hair off and trying to get in touch with girls I used to vaguely talk to ten or more years ago... goodness knows why. Neither of these were particularly successful ventures, either.

I finally started to pull myself together, thanks in no small part to the effort of my brother Tim, who hauled my sorry ass along to the Shootout Festival up in Newcastle... I was getting out of my horrid little apartment, talking to other people, having fun. I even flirted a bit, something I hadn't done for years and years... and it felt good. Nothing came of it, and I never expected it to, but it was an important step for me.

Once Sian made it perfectly clear that there was absolutely no room in her life for me at all, things became even easier. It simply hardened my resolve to prove to myself that all her assumptions about me were wrong, that I was better than she - and maybe even I - had thought. I became far more confident in my outlook to life, shedding the strange "absent minded" persona that I had come to adopt in my relationship with Sian... some kind of peculiar defence mechanism, perhaps? Having no one else to fall back on meant that if I wanted something done, I had to do it myself... and that was probably the best thing for me. My nervousness (verging on phobia) about phone calls and unknown situations simply disappeared.

I also felt an overwhelming need to express myself creatively, something that I think had been supressed or subverted in my relationship with Sian. I feel that she simply wanted so much of my time that there wasn't any room left for me. I bought a Canon digital SLR and totally immersed myself in photography. I get tremendous pleasure out of my photography and I feel like I am always improving and challenging myself with it, trying new techniques and looking for that perfect/unusual shot. It's something that I need to do to be me.

And suddenly, I was happy again. Confident, smiling, relaxed. Friends and workmates noticed it and told me. The funny thing is, I didn't feel like a new person, I simply felt like I had rediscovered what it meant to be me instead of worrying about how I was perceived by others.

And this is who Christine observed, admired, desired and fell in love with. Just me, as I am. No pretensions, no illusions, no lies, no bullshit. She saw, she liked. And that's one of the most wonderful things of all; that who I am is enough.

Of course, since she has come into my life, I've just gone from strength to strength... the guy who once hated picking up the phone has now single-handedly obtained a K-1 Fiance Visa (complete with all the associated hoop jumping), moved all his belongings to another country and will soon be in the process of organising a wedding, moving house and seeking employment! And not only that, I'm thriving on it... I feel so alive, so ready to take on anything. So, you'll have to indulge me a bit at this point and allow me to say, just this one time: "Sian, you were wrong."

Tomorrow marks the start of a whole new exciting chapter for me, truly "the first day of the rest of my life". I'm not nervous or scared at all, but totally excited and so ready for whatever happens. I've had to come a long way in this last two and a half years, but I have learned so much about myself in the process... who I am and what I need out of life. A voyage of discovery, perhaps? One that has only just begun. See you all in the States!

Chaos Boy

Posted in: chaosboy, chaoslove, general musings on May 14, 2007 at at 4:05:00 PM